Monologue (fictional)

In the recent time period , my obnoxious mind want me to be the greatest poet on  the unrequited affection

. Stupid me wants to beat john keats and Emily Dickinson's poem on unrequited love. The past time was the worst time , i m gaged by own imagination ,chocked in the despiration to be loved by a fiction personality of the non fictional character. I loved watching The Iris from Holiday and now her character is more related to mine in the current scenario . The Iris got the love in the end but the end I m considering is quite inexplicit .

I never felt handicapped in my emotion to express , these years I have been in an unrequited love , the love which is forbidden , the love which hold the godly curse of getting non getting  peace .The love which might have gaged the gods well.

 

Have u ever seen a place with no doors to walk in , no stairs to climb in , no way in , no way out , a totally handicapped one, that's the curse of the loved ones to the people like us ,the unrequited lovers , the socerers who are on the trials for practicing unrequited affections ,we are the walking wounded , the fish out of the water , the eagle drowning in the water , the unexplainable pain , the misery and alot of neurotransmitter's malfunctioning. 

 ''Yes , u are looking at that one person , the worst new year ,the worst phase, chocked nasal cavity and u are unable to breath, the anxiety can feel like empty place when vallium and clonazepam fails to work , i wish I could write the whole iris's monologue to correlate . 

But yes it's true I have in unrequited affection where one sign gave you the false hope , and left clinging on it for your life . sometimes I feel left in the thought that I m enough to be loved or where I went wrong , am i looking good to catch their glimpse or not ? the answer is that no matter how many surgeries you undergo for better looks , how many gyms you join, how much humourous you become ,it doesn't matter at all , these won't save you from being not loved and same happened with me. ''

"May be my affection was a poision for you , the portion that is poised by gods themselves. Enough to make you a culprit or may be you are blinded by gods to see its purity . I have seen my presence irritating you like I am a bizzare stranger whom you want to expel .

I remained  indulge in my own fictions and failed to see that u perceive me as some mistake which needs to be corrected. "

Hope one day u ll forgive me for the things I ve never done , oh why being unrequited lover feels like living in a hell , the circle of miserable days , unable to love someone who ll not love me , not in this universe, not in this life .

But I still wonder why do you not want me ? Where I went wrong or It is me - the ugly , disgusting person who would never looked at ?

You are beyond uncaring, you really hate me.

At one fleeting moment or another, through the entire pall of time we have known each other, did you ever look in my direction and not feel nauseated? Was there ever a time when my name did not leave a bad taste in your mouth? Or were you always just looking at some sort of...thing? Just this inconvenience. Just that annoying little cloud that stuck around a little too long, stood just too close for comfort, and was generally, well... wrong.

I never meant for this, darling. I never wanted my love to inspire you to recoil. Love must be soft, no? Warm. Mine is jagged and afraid-the poison to you.

Yet, I am not able to stop.

I cannot not love you, even when you are mean. No matter how many times you've looked straight through me as though I were nothing- or, worse- like I were something truly disgusting, something you'd rather not see again. I could beg you to be kind, but I know it would never come forth sincerely. I could go away, but which would I be without this feeling that possesses me?

 wonder whether I deserve this. Whether I did anything, somehow, to earn your hatred. Maybe I overstayed my welcome, said too much, or simply existed in a way that wasn't convenient. Or perhaps love, my love, is simply of the kind that doesn't reciprocate.

But, anyways, even if you could never forgive me for loving you...I won't apologize. I refuse to take it back.

Hate me, if you want. Hate me for eternity. But within that hatred at least I can ascertain that I'm still somehow existent to you.

 

The insults , the frequency of insults won't matter to you ,the only thing that matters is you , your beliefs , your stupidity of ignoring me and of  mine to not harming your .

 

With the sea of  tears in my eyes ,yet to fell down are soaked ,the Valium might have worked .and I fell to sleep 

(Curtains are closed.)