Soliloquy part 2 - sadness

Have you ever feel that you are just tired ? Not even a proper sleep can fix your tiredness, pain and aches  that are emerging from the corners you  had never thought .The pressure on your shoulder is pushing you down like there is invincible weight on your body that no one can see -Do you feel anything like it ?

May be or may be not ! But there are days when I under the clouds of sadness and dissatisfaction in my life .Days when I can feel a void in my life .Everytime i m on my bed ,I can feel the depth of my despair.had days where i spent my whole time on my bed thinking ,where the things had gone wrong or it was just me . There are times when I tried to figure out ,whats wrong with me ? Why i feel far away from the people when they are in the sam e room. I feel standing thousands of miles away from the people ,sinking in my own never ending thoughts of sadness and unreciprocated feelings .

Why everything is  right and wrong at the same time .

Oh the cloud of sadness started in to takeover my mind, this time the sadness came with the waves of thousand of unwanted thoughts, the thoughts ,which are  not relevant ,which are not even important which are not not helpful in nature but  kind a depressive and whirling in my mind like hurricanes in the Pacific Ocean. At a moment of time I started looking for the sign .

Sometimes I am astonished that how a person can be so tired without having done anything important or extra ordinary in his daily life. 

Every time I am up in the morning, I know that I have the responsibilities , I have to do something good in my life ,the same shit that came up in my mind every time I wake up in the morning. I know I have to laugh and have to pretend happy, I am not.

The fact is that I am wandering alone , sitting alone with my thoughts, thinking about everything I should have done, everything I have went to become, an everything I wish I couldn't. Even little embarrassing moment can run my mood. Which is quite natural because each one of us want to remember the soothing and the happiest thing in our life and no one want to remember the embarrassing and the unwanted memories. But sometimes I feel exhausted simply because I have spent the entire day trying out to fall apart like the clouds separating from each other after the furious gaz of the sun.

I hate it to say that it is so strange that my life has become a root team of surviving rather than enjoying and living. Because the feeling of sadness has taken up my mind and now it feels like that carrying the sadness is my another responsibility. 

And in between enjoying the little moment in life enjoying the good things at the present moment enjoying being happy has become unwanted. You begin to forget what it feels like to be genuinely happy .

And I blame you for it. 

And I also know that you don't know about it .

The saddest part I guess so!

I can't even remember when you become such a significant part of my thoughts. People may think it happen gradually, small conversation, through small gestures, through small moments that meant nothing to you, through anything regarding related to you but somehow it meant nothing for you. 

I have noticed the smallest even the smallest even the micro things about you. The way you speak, you smile, even your presence can make a dull environment a soothing monsoon creation. 

And without even understanding the fat that I begin making a space for you even when the life is already difficult to manage. 

Part is that I know that you will never look that me ,the way I choose to look at you. 

I am happy to be an ordinary person in your life, even you may consider me as a standard or a friend or a friend of a friend or whatever.perhaps, I am just another person in your life. I am someone you are barely aware about. ANd here I am the most happiest person remembering everything about you ,the glimpse of your face, your pics even I am anything that come up in my mind regarding you.

 I hate how my mind is trying to trick me, how it takes a simple smile and turns it into a possibility, how a little sinus in your personality had become a lifetime hope. How your gesture is binding future possibilities in my mind. Even when the reality has chosen something else and my obnoxious mind chooses something else.

I know I should not expect anything at this point, you never promise me anything, you never ask me to wait and you will never ask me to  wait, so Bollywood I hate it.

 

And sometime I try to blame you for not giving something that was not there life , not in this universe. Sometime I feel weird to be angry at you for not choosing me even when there is no chance. But why I am angry with someone for not feeling what you feel?

I told myself that you can't be angry, this point the anger turned inward. So I started asking myself whether I am good enough may be I am not. Asking these questions to myself was the most problem matic thing that I have done. The self hatedness has reached the level of extremism. This is the point the person can hate himself the most for not being chosen by some foolish being.

I am tired a wondering brother you will message me tired of checking up my phone calls for no reason tired of pretending that your silence doesn't affect me when somehow it always does? But look at me you don't even care about it and I am trying to come even when there is no one around me. 

I am tired of giving meaning to the smallest thing even to the silence when I am sitting alone that mean nothing at all that will bring only misery to my heart.

It is the most embarrassing thing isn't it? 

To think about someone who is not yours?

To feel jealous when you have no right to be, 

To feel sad when there is nothing to be, 

To field disappointed when nothing was ever promised.

To give on a bond that was not there, 

 To feel miserable by watching them with someone else or thinking of them with someone else. This is the most disgusting thing that a person could ever do.

What would you name this kind of sadness? 

I would say hope, hope is the biggest enemy of the unrequited affection. It is nothing but misery so my mind try to convince my heart not to think about anything about them but my heart is convincing my mind that it is you I am just scapegoat in this scenario. My mind didn't convinced. 

  

We all carry different different responsibilities, different lifestyles, different grieves, different pains and different sadness. Life does not always offer the comfort. Everyone have their own battles their own battles that you know nothing about.

 

Realising that the world doesn't stop just because your heart feels heavy. The sun still rises, people still will go to the beloved, there will be undequated affection as well., the world will continue to move at the greatest speed and at the greatest space while you are sitting in the room trying to find out why it feels so heavy. 

Same goes on next day and the next day 

You keep on living , not because you are okay because this is life and the life is asking you to participate in it. Maybe the healing comes at the last, may be the suffering is the lesson, there is something which cannot be filled, maybe that is life.

At lost you will finally understand that someone else inability to love you back is not a measurement of you worth. Self love is the greatest asset for people like you for people like, all the unrequited lovers. I don't know when your name will stop appearing in my thoughts, when these thoughts will stop, I don't know when I will enjoy my life and I don't know when the ordinary days will stop feeling a little empty because of something I secretly wish good happen.

 

But here I am trying to ask you for your mercy at least in my thoughts, that why it is so difficult to look at me the way I look at you. Maybe you are kind to someone else, the someone else exist or may not be exist but it is provoking the fierce jealousy inside me, and I hate it I hate you for not choosing me. I hate you for choosing someone else, I will hate I will hate you for nothing. You are not the perperator. But you are the victim of my imagination. The imagination which was meant to be turned in reality. Is is just a reckless thought in my Eutopia world.

But who cares I know inville take one day at a time, 

Some days I will be okay. 

I won't 

And I think that I am finely learning that both both are allowed. 

The room is quite now, the thoughts are growing software, thing is left to explain tonight and no more abnorxious and anxious lines waiting to be spoken, the sedatives are coming the mind of the speaker, the speaker is trying to let the day close and is setting these feelings down beside the bed knowing that they may still be there in the morning but trust in that there is no one to carrying them throughout the night. 

 The lights are fading , the speaker is tired and sleepy and the play is over. 

Now at last I am going for a sleep.