Soliloquy part 1

 So do  you see me .Do you?

Yes , you do.you make fun of me ,talk about me,look at me but u don't see me.Not in the way I  do . Everytime you are around ,the heart start pounding out , it feels like a panic attack ,still it feels so good ,you  stood there without any sign of affection towards me, oh , the misery of the unrequited love ,the cursed of the God and we the leftovers from the perfect love stories,

I wonder ,do you remember when I first saw you?

  The mesmerizing view , you on the back seat of the bus with your full volume on , I was going to yell on you but your eyes , glowing like some star , the hypnotized power  of your eyes .The stunned tongue knew it that I should be careful.

But here I am today , trying to talk with you ,trying to tell you not to hate me ,  alot of anger , adrenaline rush to ask you ,why would you do that ,but then there i am just trying not to took away from your face ,the anger is gone and I am smiling at you ,hiding the pain that I can't be more courageous than that ,this would be the last time and effort to talk to you .And I lost it lost it when I walk away without asking you any question, about the disrespect you gave  to me.No more efforts because I would write millions of words online .but in reality I can't talk to you not this time not .

Hope one day u ll forgive me for the things I ve never done , oh why being unrequited lover feels like living in a hell , the circle of miserable days , unable to love someone who ll not love me , not in this universe, not in this life .

But I still wonder why do you hate me ? Where I went wrong or It is me  - the ugly , disgusting person who would never looked at 

You are beyond uncaring, you really hate me.

At one fleeting moment or another, through the entire pall of time we have known each other, did you ever look in my direction and not feel nauseated? Was there ever a time when my name did not leave a bad taste in your mouth? Or were you always just looking at some sort of...thing? Just this inconvenience. Just that annoying little cloud that stuck around a little too long, stood just too close for comfort, and was generally, well... wrong.

I never meant for this, darling. I never wanted my love to inspire you to recoil. Love must be soft, no? Warm. Mine is jagged and afraid-the poison to you.

Yet, I am not able to stop.

I cannot not love you, even when you are mean. No matter how many times you've looked straight through me as though I were nothing- or, worse- like I were something truly disgusting, something you'd rather not see again. I could beg you to be kind, but I know it would never come forth sincerely. I could go away, but which would I be without this feeling that possesses me?

 wonder whether I deserve this. Whether I did anything, somehow, to earn your hatred. Maybe I overstayed my welcome, said too much, or simply existed in a way that wasn't convenient. Or perhaps love, my love, is simply of the kind that doesn't reciprocate.

But, anyways, even if you could never forgive me for loving you...I won't apologize. I refuse to take it back.

Hate me, if you want. Hate me for eternity. But within that hatred at least I can ascertain that I'm still somehow existent to you.

(The bitter laugh. A slow exhale. A quiet last whisper). And for me that would really be enough. 

Tejinder☠️